You & I

Have you ever seen the twinkle
In the eye of the night sky,
Raised your hands,
And felt its moist tears,
Lifted your face to its openness,
And felt its calm breath.

Have you ever heard,
The whisper in the wind,
The words in the silent rustle of leaves,
The music in the silence of all that around,
The dance in the shimmering above?

Have you ever felt all this and more?

Guess what?
I have felt them too…

Far away,
Under different skies,
We sit united,
In feeling, in love,
You & I.

Once in a while,
My heart says,
Drop your promises.

Once in a while,
My mind argues,
What’s the harm?

Once in a while,
I say,
Let’s!

But always, always,
That moment passes.

My heart revolts,
With a glimpse of pain

My mind counters,
Is it fair?

And I decide,
Let’s not.

To and for my IR family

The first step on a road,
And you know there are many more to come,
The first smile you share,
And many you pass on,
A silent tear you shed,
And someone secretly looks on,
The first hand you hold,
And a family is born.

On such a road a faltering step I kept,
A lingering sense of uncertainty around me,
And soon, very soon, there was the first smile,
A first hesitant hand was held out,
And where once all was unknown,
A family surrounded me,
To make me … one of its very own.

We skipped along this path,
Sharing joys of camaraderie,
Gulping each new experience passing us by,
Watching them become familiar,
As they pass from eye to eye.
On this joyride,
Sometimes, we lost a friend,
Sometimes, we greeted another
Holding hands through sorrow
And through a lot of fun
We mastered life together.

But the safety net now withdraws,
The family now recedes,
The launch pad stands ready to catapult
But am I ready?
Just a step away awaits a new future,
New place, new people
But may be not a new family.

I see behind me a small gap,
Hands slightly parted where mine had been
Beads of sweat on my palms
A hard reminder of what was.
An apprehension of what may not be.

But there was a smile lingering on their lips,
A sparkle in their eyes wishing me luck,
Bidding me farewell,
Tightly clasped fingers, covered every chink,
Standing apart I felt included,
Enveloped in the strength of love,
A love that bade me to take on the world.
Asking me to take just one faltering step forward.

And now I will.

Goodbye!

Sorry, not easy

Sorry doesn’t seem to be an easy word, but if easily said it can sure make relationships a lot easier to maintain. What’s more, its even makes things easy on the conscience. The irony, however, is that I can say all this only on hindsight. For instance a few years back a very special friend of mine became a victim of my inflated ego. I still remember the huge quarrel we had and my refusal to say sorry despite recognizing myself to be at fault. On the very same day, my friend was leaving town but even that fact kept me undeterred. There was no way I was going to ‘bend’ and till this date I regret that decision, that foolhardiness. Now when I want to say sorry to her and make amends, I don’t know where she is. What I believed to be a show of strength then was nothing but a weakness of character. Today I know it for fact, only the very strong can say sorry, the weak tend to run away. I ran away and in the bargain I lost a special friend.

~ Himani

The fountain of joy

The fountain no longer springs,
The throat drinks,
But the thirst remains unquenched,
The picture no longer paints itself,
Thoughts remain barren. Empty.

Where is the sun that never set?
The moon that lingered silently?
The waters that flew gently?
Where is the coolness of the dewdrops?
Under my bare feet?

The grass looks wet, but I don’t feel it.
There are stars in the sky, but I don’t see them.
There is a gaping hole, where water once played a gushing role,
The wind is on my face, or is it?

Delve, delve deeper, a little voice said,
Faint, feeble, yet incessant,
Insisting, running over and over again!
But where do I delve, will someone tell me?

A hand is clutching at my heart,
Squeezing it for all its worth,
But not a drop of blood.
The pain is excruciating,
But not a tear drop.

Will shutting my eyes help to shut out the desert?
It is creeping, crowding me in, suffocating me.

The flutter of lashes,
A whirl, freefall,
I recognize the fountainless gaping hole,
And see a new cold darkness,
The desert is receding,
But what is that sound, a roar?

Coolness on my cheeks,
Moistness in my eyes,
The wetness between my toes,
The smell of earthy rain,
I feel it, oh yes, I feel it all!


An inkling of a wind now touches,
Murmuring a new vitality in my ears
“To rise you need to fall,
When you fear the fountain has dried,
Remember the roar that fed the stream?
Go to the heart of the roar,
Make its pain, its pleasure, your own,
Dip yourself in the coolness of the stream,
And watch the fountain rise,
Rise. Rise. Rise.”

A smile is touching my lips,
My mind is yet again painting a new picture.
Yes, I will drink of this fountain of joy,
Confident of the sea that gushes in me.

Twigs

The twigs under my feet,
Cracking audibly with each step.
Too many, indeed too many…
A leap and a bound,
A conscious detour here and there...
But the pitfalls ~ too many
And the sound
It still goes CRACK!

The beauty of the ground.
Is it in the fallen leaves, the strewn twigs?
Or in the feet that walk through,
And in the sound of the twigs going snap?

Or both?

The potential smell of emotions possessed
Or the odour of those expressed?
Anger withheld?
Or tears in full flow…

Which and how often?

Hurt?

Honestly, are deep sentiments, passionate feelings really worth it? I am not that audacious to imagine I am the only person who can feel with such strength, but yes I am one of the very few. If I have been fortunate enough to find a man who can at least respect and understand the passion I have to offer if not reciprocate fully, I have also been unfortunate to find friends who misunderstand it wholly. I don’t know whether I should be grateful for the one or unhappy for the other.

Perhaps the case is not about me being misunderstood… maybe my emotions are misplaced or maybe I am wrong to feel in this way. A change is warranted but difficult to make. Where do I draw a line? When do I know that I am overstepping my limits? When do I know that I am not supposed to expect xyz from abc? The only thing I am absolutely sure of is the result of my dilemma — pain and lots of pain…?

So, once again, the same question — is it worth it? For what others do or don’t do, who suffers? I.

In this situation, one has two options 1. to change the internal factor or 2. to change the external factor. The first is difficult and the second absurd. After all, how many times will one change the external factor… whereas the emotional factor, alias the internal factor, is under your control and once changed remains changed for good! Though old habits die hard, the #1. option remains the most viable one.

If there is anyone out there thinking about the purpose of this post, well it was expressly for working out my confusion. Thanks for reading through.

“I say hey”

When loving seems difficult,
When speaking doesn’t come too easy,
When the heart feels heavy with an unnamed numbness,
I say hey!

When silently, unasked, tears prick your eyes,
When a kind touch of the hurting hand wrenches your soul,
When with each lonely step you miss the lost rhythm,
I say hey!

When you tell yourself all is over,
When you still hope with crossed fingers “God forbid”,
When you truly believe that you are insignificant,

I say hey!

I say hey, stop a while.
When loving seems difficult to you,
When speaking is also not easy,
Feel the presence of your silent companion,
Feel the pain weighing down on him.

I say hey, stop a while.
When tears prick your eyes unawares,
When the hurting kind touch wrenches your soul,
Turn around and do the same,
Do you see the glisten in his eyes?
The loneliness in your walk,
Doesn’t it match his dragging foot?

I say hey, stop a while.
When a voice had said all is over, another had said “God forbid”

If love was a bond, then realize —
The new-found pain is a greater bond,
If you had something to nurture then,
You have something to share now.

If love didn’t bridge the gap, pain will,
If that doesn’t work either…
Trust me… time will heal.

But once again, I say hey, stop a while.
Are you sure you want to let go?