Just random

A conventional picture, a conventional thought -- a long tunnel ending in the promise of light without, the belief of warmth, of visibility… and then there is the sudden crash. In the whirl that slowly sucks you in, the light that was so real suddenly becomes a distant star – taunting and unreachable.
A look around somehow always convinces that each person caught in that whirl will find a way out, will reach the arms of security while you wont.

Visiting a graveyard

The Hosur Road Cemetery

It's one of those things I always wanted to do. It will probably sound weird but it’s true. I still remember a story a girl in the boarding told me about All Soul’s Day.

It was early morning, she said, when she and her family and many other families went to pay their respects to the departed. The graveyard lit up with candles. A gust of wind suddenly snuffed all the candles, except for a lone one — the one my friend had lit in her brother’s memory.

This picture has stayed with me and finally last Saturday I visited a graveyard.

It wasn’t a morning Dawn had spoken of, nor were there any solemn candles. But the calmness was the same, the serenity also similar and… something more — so many stories untold.

A small granite grave of a two-day old child spoke of the grief of the mother barely out of her labor pain, the pretty picture of an 18-year old girl spoke of untimely deaths, of accidents, bricks being removed from an old grave to make place for kin of the constancy of it all, of the pattern of life while fenced in larger areas with one grave and place for more spoke of the sadness of truth, of inevitability, of times now when bookings open not only for a place under the sun but also for a space under ground.

There was more… the stamp of patriarchy where every woman who died was identified as w/o, her parents not anymore a part of her being and men remained proud individuals, needing no identification except the worldly qualifications acquired at earthly institutions.

Silence took over conversation as we left the graveyard. For some in the car it was probably many of the departures before the final arrival while for us it was a reminder of the day we would be reduced to ashes…

On the happier side of it, if I live a full life with relatives, children and grandchildren rallying around me, I will probably be able to avoid the limitation of being just somebody’s wife.
(Don’t know why I felt like adding this last bit)

You & I

Have you ever seen the twinkle
In the eye of the night sky,
Raised your hands,
And felt its moist tears,
Lifted your face to its openness,
And felt its calm breath.

Have you ever heard,
The whisper in the wind,
The words in the silent rustle of leaves,
The music in the silence of all that around,
The dance in the shimmering above?

Have you ever felt all this and more?

Guess what?
I have felt them too…

Far away,
Under different skies,
We sit united,
In feeling, in love,
You & I.

Once in a while,
My heart says,
Drop your promises.

Once in a while,
My mind argues,
What’s the harm?

Once in a while,
I say,
Let’s!

But always, always,
That moment passes.

My heart revolts,
With a glimpse of pain

My mind counters,
Is it fair?

And I decide,
Let’s not.

To and for my IR family

The first step on a road,
And you know there are many more to come,
The first smile you share,
And many you pass on,
A silent tear you shed,
And someone secretly looks on,
The first hand you hold,
And a family is born.

On such a road a faltering step I kept,
A lingering sense of uncertainty around me,
And soon, very soon, there was the first smile,
A first hesitant hand was held out,
And where once all was unknown,
A family surrounded me,
To make me … one of its very own.

We skipped along this path,
Sharing joys of camaraderie,
Gulping each new experience passing us by,
Watching them become familiar,
As they pass from eye to eye.
On this joyride,
Sometimes, we lost a friend,
Sometimes, we greeted another
Holding hands through sorrow
And through a lot of fun
We mastered life together.

But the safety net now withdraws,
The family now recedes,
The launch pad stands ready to catapult
But am I ready?
Just a step away awaits a new future,
New place, new people
But may be not a new family.

I see behind me a small gap,
Hands slightly parted where mine had been
Beads of sweat on my palms
A hard reminder of what was.
An apprehension of what may not be.

But there was a smile lingering on their lips,
A sparkle in their eyes wishing me luck,
Bidding me farewell,
Tightly clasped fingers, covered every chink,
Standing apart I felt included,
Enveloped in the strength of love,
A love that bade me to take on the world.
Asking me to take just one faltering step forward.

And now I will.

Goodbye!

Sorry, not easy

Sorry doesn’t seem to be an easy word, but if easily said it can sure make relationships a lot easier to maintain. What’s more, its even makes things easy on the conscience. The irony, however, is that I can say all this only on hindsight. For instance a few years back a very special friend of mine became a victim of my inflated ego. I still remember the huge quarrel we had and my refusal to say sorry despite recognizing myself to be at fault. On the very same day, my friend was leaving town but even that fact kept me undeterred. There was no way I was going to ‘bend’ and till this date I regret that decision, that foolhardiness. Now when I want to say sorry to her and make amends, I don’t know where she is. What I believed to be a show of strength then was nothing but a weakness of character. Today I know it for fact, only the very strong can say sorry, the weak tend to run away. I ran away and in the bargain I lost a special friend.

~ Himani

The fountain of joy

The fountain no longer springs,
The throat drinks,
But the thirst remains unquenched,
The picture no longer paints itself,
Thoughts remain barren. Empty.

Where is the sun that never set?
The moon that lingered silently?
The waters that flew gently?
Where is the coolness of the dewdrops?
Under my bare feet?

The grass looks wet, but I don’t feel it.
There are stars in the sky, but I don’t see them.
There is a gaping hole, where water once played a gushing role,
The wind is on my face, or is it?

Delve, delve deeper, a little voice said,
Faint, feeble, yet incessant,
Insisting, running over and over again!
But where do I delve, will someone tell me?

A hand is clutching at my heart,
Squeezing it for all its worth,
But not a drop of blood.
The pain is excruciating,
But not a tear drop.

Will shutting my eyes help to shut out the desert?
It is creeping, crowding me in, suffocating me.

The flutter of lashes,
A whirl, freefall,
I recognize the fountainless gaping hole,
And see a new cold darkness,
The desert is receding,
But what is that sound, a roar?

Coolness on my cheeks,
Moistness in my eyes,
The wetness between my toes,
The smell of earthy rain,
I feel it, oh yes, I feel it all!


An inkling of a wind now touches,
Murmuring a new vitality in my ears
“To rise you need to fall,
When you fear the fountain has dried,
Remember the roar that fed the stream?
Go to the heart of the roar,
Make its pain, its pleasure, your own,
Dip yourself in the coolness of the stream,
And watch the fountain rise,
Rise. Rise. Rise.”

A smile is touching my lips,
My mind is yet again painting a new picture.
Yes, I will drink of this fountain of joy,
Confident of the sea that gushes in me.

Twigs

The twigs under my feet,
Cracking audibly with each step.
Too many, indeed too many…
A leap and a bound,
A conscious detour here and there...
But the pitfalls ~ too many
And the sound
It still goes CRACK!

The beauty of the ground.
Is it in the fallen leaves, the strewn twigs?
Or in the feet that walk through,
And in the sound of the twigs going snap?

Or both?

The potential smell of emotions possessed
Or the odour of those expressed?
Anger withheld?
Or tears in full flow…

Which and how often?

Hurt?

Honestly, are deep sentiments, passionate feelings really worth it? I am not that audacious to imagine I am the only person who can feel with such strength, but yes I am one of the very few. If I have been fortunate enough to find a man who can at least respect and understand the passion I have to offer if not reciprocate fully, I have also been unfortunate to find friends who misunderstand it wholly. I don’t know whether I should be grateful for the one or unhappy for the other.

Perhaps the case is not about me being misunderstood… maybe my emotions are misplaced or maybe I am wrong to feel in this way. A change is warranted but difficult to make. Where do I draw a line? When do I know that I am overstepping my limits? When do I know that I am not supposed to expect xyz from abc? The only thing I am absolutely sure of is the result of my dilemma — pain and lots of pain…?

So, once again, the same question — is it worth it? For what others do or don’t do, who suffers? I.

In this situation, one has two options 1. to change the internal factor or 2. to change the external factor. The first is difficult and the second absurd. After all, how many times will one change the external factor… whereas the emotional factor, alias the internal factor, is under your control and once changed remains changed for good! Though old habits die hard, the #1. option remains the most viable one.

If there is anyone out there thinking about the purpose of this post, well it was expressly for working out my confusion. Thanks for reading through.

“I say hey”

When loving seems difficult,
When speaking doesn’t come too easy,
When the heart feels heavy with an unnamed numbness,
I say hey!

When silently, unasked, tears prick your eyes,
When a kind touch of the hurting hand wrenches your soul,
When with each lonely step you miss the lost rhythm,
I say hey!

When you tell yourself all is over,
When you still hope with crossed fingers “God forbid”,
When you truly believe that you are insignificant,

I say hey!

I say hey, stop a while.
When loving seems difficult to you,
When speaking is also not easy,
Feel the presence of your silent companion,
Feel the pain weighing down on him.

I say hey, stop a while.
When tears prick your eyes unawares,
When the hurting kind touch wrenches your soul,
Turn around and do the same,
Do you see the glisten in his eyes?
The loneliness in your walk,
Doesn’t it match his dragging foot?

I say hey, stop a while.
When a voice had said all is over, another had said “God forbid”

If love was a bond, then realize —
The new-found pain is a greater bond,
If you had something to nurture then,
You have something to share now.

If love didn’t bridge the gap, pain will,
If that doesn’t work either…
Trust me… time will heal.

But once again, I say hey, stop a while.
Are you sure you want to let go?

Why??

My cousin's wedding is just round the corner. No the 'why' is not connected to this, 'why not' would be more appropriate. Point is 'why' are they disussing plans with everybody. To make myself more clear, why are they, as in her parents, discussing the wedding plans with my family and my chotokaku's family and no 'why not' is not more appropriate here. You still haven't got it right? See this is a trend in Indian families. "ladki/ladkey ki shadi hai, humsey to poocha hi nahin, this could have been done in a much better way had we been involved.." these, mark, are words spoken by relatives of the would-be's. To avoid these talks, all and sundry are involved in the wedding plans and then follows, "bas itna hi budget hai, ismein kuch nahin hoga. Wahan book mat karo, its out of the way, why dont you'll book near our place (which is an expensive area 'lol'), and, WHAT?, Plywood, no way it must be teak... (sigh!)". These words, hear, hear, are spoken by the very helpful relatives, notwithstanding my great dad w.r.t. my cousin's marriage, who surely and completely forget that they are not paying for the wedding! Why can't relatives strive to make the process easier? This is not to imply that some people don't but, let's accept facts, most don't. Now why not plywood, why only teak, why not wrought iron, in fact why either. Talk about eligible bachelors! Why do these men suddenly need new beds, cupboards, etc.? Ok they don't? It's a matter of the bride's parents' status? Well that settles it then, its just a one way status question. Surely the takers don't have much of it.

Why can't I be a bit more patient with these people. Why can't I accept the simple explanation.."this is how things are done".

Anyways, I wish my cousin All the Best.

The anticipation, the wait, the tension,
for normalcy,
Now,
The anticipation, the wait, the tension,
for another normalcy.
The lesser evil...
This or that?

Advices in the offing,
Decisions to be made,
Independence or dependence?

Corrupted practices or honest,
Am I a scapegoat
or a fool?

The one with the answer,
To be trusted or not?

There are others in the same boat,
With answers of their own,
Applicable or not?

Confusion, pain, tension...
SIGH!!

Love is...

A Question,

Asked by all.

Love is...

A Feeling,

Understood by all.

(but)Love is...

A Realisation,

Realised by few.

&

A Mystery,

Forever new.

It remains the elixir of life,

Yet, it hurts,

It causes smiles,

It causes tears.

Sometimes right,

Sometimes wrong,

Yet special because~

It goes... on and on

Maybe apprehension, maybe...NO!

I can hear him... pottering away somewhere at the back of the house. In the kitchen or maybe in the garden. The sounds are clear, crystal clear. I can almost see him in my mind's eye... the black shorts, bare torso, muscles glistening from the exertion. Wonder what I did to deserve him. He is quite a homemaker. The smell of the omellette, just the way I like it without onions and lots of salt and green chillies finely chopped, is so appetising!! God, I still feel that it should be me in the kitchen and he propped up in bed, reading a newspaper. But he insists... likes taking care of me.
Tap, Tap, Tap. Damn, I shouldn't have told him about the leaking pipe. Now he'd try to fix it and of course mess it up. (Smile) Very enterprising, he is! He'll fix the iron, the music system, the TV. And Me. I have work to do, but, boy ain't I lazy? Wow, the boy had even run a bath for me... ummmm! the water is nice, soothing. I know at this rate I'll never manage to reach on time but this is an absolute heaven, I can't drag myself out.

(Knock! Knockknock!)

Oh, ho! that must be him leaving. I quickly peeped out, the note was in place. He never forgets anything. (Smile) I know what's in that note... "I LOVE YOU". How those three words can still make me blush. My omellette was there on the table with another note tucked below the plate. Damn! He wont be back tonight.
Poor boy, he's working so hard for me and my happiness. Isn't there anyway I can help him? Between the two of us we earn enough but ! When will he stop exerting himself so much. I feel guilty. Why cant I be as selfless, as loving, as caring.

(rrrrrrrrrrrrrring!)

Hello sweety, had your breakfast?
Yes. Missing you
So am I.. but
Its ok, I know
(Smile)
Accha, I might get late.
But, I thought...
Yeah, I know. I left it there for just in case.
Okay.
See ya,
ya
Love you,
Same here.
(beepbeepbeepbeep)

Optimism on my fren's b-day

Darkness brimming over with bubbles
Fading in a flicker of light…
Hope or a sign of the temporal,
The fleeting?

The heady smell,
The tang of lime,
Bitter-sweetness of memories unforgotten,
Reeling steps, reeling mind.

Closed lids and a slit of light,
Taste of salt on burning lips,
A faraway groan on a lonely bed,
…is it me?

In a whirl, the night unfolds
Half formed images, blurred vision,
Entwined bodies, hands, legs
Aghhhhhhhh!
There was a drumming somewhere.

The soda fizzed,
The curtain swished ,
The unmistakable tang of lime —
Clear bubbles rose in a steady stream.

The hint of a dark outline,
But… not enough.
This is ME.
— Himani Sarkar
3rd June, 2005

Lovespeak continued

Don’t know why, but Love makes me think of Roses! Kal Ho Na Ho....oooh they were absolutely beautiful. You see even I am incurably romantic, completely taken in by candlelight dinners, cosy dark rooms, downy bed and... the obvious. There see, even I cannot think of love as something purely emotional. But that's the basic point... the question as to whether love is something to do with sexual awakening/puberty is wrong. Firstly it is important to realise which love are we talking about. If it is the man-woman bonding (please not the incestuous stuff!!), then "YES" it does have a lot to do with "SEX". In this regard I partly agree with Shaw. No, I dont believe that women weave nets to ensnare the man, but I do believe that subconsciously both sexes judge as to how comfortable they would be in bed with say x y z (i.e. the human options). Of course the self righteous would find this absolutely shocking but if you have the guts to be honest with yourself, then you'll see how true this is. Well lots of affairs are born after years of knowing one another... in that case what is more important is the matching of the emotional wavelength but, ask me cause I know, if even once there is the feeling that you'd be repelled to say sleep with the man/woman in concern, I am sure you would then not go in for a relationship. Ofcourse, there is always the counter argument that when you love the person's thoughts, his emotions, you love the person in toto!! But that I feel is idealistic. There was this man in my ex-office, who, both my fren and me agreed, had just the brain that we would love in our MAN! You see, even though emotionally and intellectually we liked this man, we didn'y exactly want him to be our boyfriend/husband — the main reason being we didn't like the idea of sleeping with him! So, love does have a lot to do with hormones, i.e. sex, BUT — here is the twist — love is not all about sex. Ah! now that sounds familiar, doesn't it?
Essentially, the love that we are talking about is a realisation that dawns after puberty. One generally becomes conscious about all this after this point... so hormones definitely have a role to play in the sexual awakening. But just being sexually attracted to someone does not mean that you are in love with that person. Such attraction is just Lust. And it is upto the individual to know which is just lust and which is love. Now, it is known that men are by nature polygamous and also generally with a greater libido. (Ok I agree that the latter is also greatly due to the social setup where women are taught to believe that they must curb their sexual instincts). So chances are greater of men mistaking lust for love than the vise versa. But from experience, I can tell you, when you find someone who you like not because he/she shares your views but rather because that person enhances your perception with views of his/her own while maintaining a respect for what you think and at the same time you feel the urge to calm your troubled mind by resting your head on his/her shoulder....well then guess what you are well on your way to love that person!! And what is more, this is definitely not pure lust. In essence, it is first important to find in that person a friend and then the lover, to find in that person a combination of someone you can pillow fight with and curl up with, and most importantly to find in that person someone with whom you can sit silently in happy companionship and at the same time feel the driving urge to love passionately.

I just wrote quite a bit on love. It ultimately comes to that, doesn't it? Writing on love. Ok, now i shall go talk to love ;)!!

mera avatar

Lovespeak

What is love...?

Whoa! ask that and answers will pour in! My pet answer is ofcourse — " When a lifetime together doesn't seem enough". I read that somewhere when I was quite a kid and ever since the definition stuck with me. But what is love? Why does it happen? Is it only hormones or is there something deeply emotional to it? (that's what someone asked me). This may sound like a stupid question but a deeper thought will convince that it actually isn't. I mean given the human habit of euphemisms, it might just be possible that a purely sexual desire is, in the name of decency, called love! I know the next obvious question would then be "what about the reams of poems, books that have been written only on love, what about the movies that centre and in fact seem next to incomplete with the love twist..." indeed what about them?
I often try to sort this out... just for the heck of it!!
Love in some form or the other exists at all stages of our life and that too of a kind not connected to anything sexual. Like the love parents feel towards their kids and vise versa. Of course Freud has a very interesting take on this, but I'd rather not attribute much significance to this! Then again, the love one feels for siblings, friends, teachers... Assuming we accept that the feelings involved in these relationships is LOVE, let's see what's common in them — age of the person with whom the relationship is shared varies, a feeling of well being pervades your being when you are with them, more often than not when you recall any such 'loved' person there flashes before your eyes a trailor of happy memories, of laughter shared, of jokes cracked, of help rendered etc. In a nutshell, what really is conspicuous is the absence of discord. Even if one can recall those moments of discord they are made significant only by memories of the process of coming together. This is very significant. It shows that generally we love people with whom the chances of any vital clash is minimal and that is essentially possible when the mentalities of the two people match to a great extent. Its like whoever has the maximum number of right answers wins!! In effect, subconsciously, we always look for people who mirror the love we feel for ourselves... the greater the similarity the greater the love is. Say there is MA and BABY!! Ma loves Baby. Babies are selfish, not by choice but by necessity. When this Baby sees its Ma caring for its needs just as much as it cares for them himself, there follows love. Ma loves the child as she gave birth to it, she wants to, selfishly, protect it. The Baby needs to be protected, knows the pangs of hunger, the smarting pain, and knows the difference the Ma makes to it by bettering all adversities it feels, and so returns the love. This is a mutually sustaining process. So no one loses out. — Thus the emotion love has nothing to do with sex. So my fren who asked me the question should probably understand that the question is relationship specific!

I AM BY NO MEANS OVER... as because now I want to get my thoughts in order. But work comes first...so more later...till then chow! Damn I got to make a call too, to?... the reason of my confusion ofcourse. Poor thing out there in the suburbs. Can almost visualise him with the two-day stubble, gathered brows... There i go again, catc.... later!

Back to my post

Its wait and watch all over again! But unbelievable how one good news can make the difference. She is leaving, on a jet plane, dont care whether she'll be back again. :) oh this is absolutely gr8! Well ofcourse there remain chances of someone like her making an appearance once again... but till then, Glory to the Lord!
But, but, but that is still a personal joy!! Had a look at today's headlines. I am talking national — Mamata, a dalit gal, was allowed (mark this ALLOWED) to ride a bicycle to college in Orissa!! The very absurdity of the situation is so BLOODY disgusting!! In the name of casteism a girl is not allowed to ride a cycle! What a way to prove superiority? Ironically this only establishes an inferiority. (Sigh) Its the same mentality that governs all such attempts at differentiation. Think of the partriarchal set up.... the Jane Austen world. If you think that was a different century, think again. It still exists, though under cover. The main intention is to subdue those physically weak, driven by the comprehension that such people are emotionally stronger. That explains the colonial temperament. The urge to mark out territory. Seen dogs doing it. They run amok, peeing from post to post, marking their territory... the Brits did it, every conqueror did it and each time unwittingly proved how close to animalism they were. The brits established their supremacy on Indians (among others)...but think...when these brits (note this does not imply the present brits but the then brits) were probably hanging from trees, the dravidians were getting civilised. So when culture had firmly established itself in the Indian subcontinent, the animals took over! HUH! In a nutshell... the upper castes that put a cycle barrier on the so-called lower castes are actually still close to habits of their animal predecessors.... in the sense of territory marking (LOL)! And with this check the Jane Austen world...our world...the very old patriarchal set-up. Rules made by men to protect them from women... poor things. Actually the reasoning works to perfection. I mean the dog=man reasoning. Lets talk of the city streets and the lamp posts and peeing men!! Aw we should understand our men and their urge to mark and so the thre(a)sh-hold is the limit for their women. (Idea...it all depends on from where we are looking at the thre(a)sh-hold, from which part of the house, inside/outside?). When this relative choice is made by the women in favour of outside, new devices are taken hold of... in the shape of a cycle! Whoa, what brains. I wonder are the male Dalits too not allowed to cycle to college! The very idea is to ensure the woman, who has crossed from inside to outside , does not gain entry elsewhere from outside to inside... and so the cycle! Proof! You need proof...I'll give you proof — this muslim girl fought to annul her marriage solemnised when she was a minor without her consent. The court agreed...the girl was happy, but now for the twist — the thre(a)sh-hold — the 'elders and more knowledgeable" people said that if this girl nulifies her marriage they will ensure that she does not get married elsewhere! So out from one and, bingo, no entry elsewhere.
Phbbt! @#$%, I seriously need a break!

At the drop of a hat

It almost feels like "Breathless". Was listening to it in the morning and at the end of it I was visibly panting. Wonder what one would call it... probably a virtual impact that translates to the emotional and transforms to the physical. Whew!! This is utter rot. The truth simply is that I am getting terribly bored. Amar boss jodi eta daekhey taholey bhabbey "bekaar employ korchey". Cant let that happen but at the same time cant curb the instinct to talk... if only virtually! So "at the drop of a hat" took up pen and paper, ofcourse of the soft kinds, and started editing a soft post. Damn! did I just say editing. This bloody job has got to me. At home I cut ma short as she slowly unfolds her daily stories..."Come to the point ma, aeto ghuriye bolar ki achey." Its terribly exasperating, for me and for poor her. She's an absolute darling. God! just the other day as she was searching for "garam masala" (searching for anything in our house is like finding a needle in a haystack, literally!!), I glibly told her 'control f'. Na, am serious. I even look at the lower right hand corner of the mirror to keep a check on the time. Beware, this is what hours at the computer does to healthy souls!
Damn (@#$@!), gotta go. Can see a frantic waving out of the cor.. (hold it, coming..) ner of my eye. A job is a job. Will come back later!! Adieus!